How To Change Oil

A Properly Maintained Vehicle Will Provide
Reliability & A Sense Of Pride

Separate Instructions are given for women since they don’t
seem to be able to understand complex mechanical procedures


1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000
    since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. Fifteen minutes later, write a check for $19.95 and leave with a
properly maintained vehicle.


1.  Go to Shuck’s, Pep Boys, NAPA, or other favorite auto parts store
and spend $50.00 for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter),
     hand cleaner, a scented tree,& all the other
items that catch your eye..

2.  Discover that the used oil container is full.  Instead of taking it
 back to the auto parts place to recycle,
dump in hole in back yard.

3.  Open a beer and drink it.

4.  Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5.  Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.

6.  In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7.  Place drain pan under engine.

8.  Look for 9/16″ box-end wrench.

 9.  Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver& twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him.  Finish oil
change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a
thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart
of fresh oil drains onto the floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29. Begin cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit
Miss December (1992) in the left boob.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands.

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty
litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

40. Drive car 1/2 quart low for 7000 miles till it’s
time for another oil change.