You Might Be A Redneck If …
 __________________________

You ever took a beer to a job interview
.

You ever wore your sweat suit to a funeral
.

You ever laid rubber in a funeral procession
.

You think fax is the opposite of fiction
.

You think a lavatory is a breed of dog
.

Someone asks, “Where’s your bowling bag?” and you answer,
“She’s at home with the kids”
.

Your trash collector isn’t sure about what stays and what goes
.

Your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting
.

You think steroids are something you put Preparation H on
.

You’re famous for your impression of a dog choking on a chicken bone
.

You can’t remember what the blue tarp in your front yard is covering
.

You can play the “Star-Spangled Banner” on your turkey call
.

Your Dog was neutered by court order
.

You’ve waited in line overnight for a tire sale
.

You’ve ever been hospitalized after a chili cook-off
.

You punish your children by taking away their chewing tobacco
.

You think a 401(k) is your mother-in-law’s bra size.
.

You’ve sold a car to settle a bar tab
.

Property downwind of your home is virtually worthless
.

The first time you ever saw your wife in lingerie,
you had to pay a cover charge
.

There is more carpet on your toilet than on your floors
.

The last thing your ex-wife said to you was “Its me or them dogs”
.

 You’ve never bought a car you could drive home
.

You’ve ever watched a tornado from a lawn chair
.

You’ve ever purchased underwear and worn it out of the store
.

You’ve unstopped a sink with a shotgun
.

You think the play The King and I is about Elvis
.

You think the stock market has a fence around it
.

   Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years
.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs
.

You’ve ever used lard in bed
.

   You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table
.

  There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house”
.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat
.

Your wife has a beer belly, and you find it very attractive
.

Truckers tell your mother to watch her mouth
.

 

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF YOU THINK
.

A pubic hair is a wild rabbit
.

Spread Eagle is an extinct bird
.

Vagina is a medical term used to  describe a Heart Attack
.

A menstrual cycle has three wheels
.

A G-string is part of a fiddle
.

Anus is a Latin term for yearly
.

Testicles are found on an Octopus
.

Asphalt describes rectal problems
.

Masturbate is used to catch large fish
.

Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke
.

An umbilical cord is part of a parachute
.

A condom is a large apartment complex
.

An orgasm is a person who   accompanies a church choir
.

A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry
.

An erection is when Japanese people vote
.

A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
.

Pornography is the business of making records
.

Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin
.
.
.